Imagine this scenario:
A couple that you are friends with announce they are getting married. You have been invited to the wedding. In order to stick to their budget, they have decided to cut a few costs, one of them being the expense of a professional wedding photographer. They know that you carry around one of those big fancy cameras everywhere you go, so they ask you to play wedding photographer for their special day. “Nothing fancy, just a few nice ones of us…” they casually say. You are beaming at their endorsement, because you know how important the wedding photos are, and the fact that your friends are asking you to take them, well, that really means something, doesn’t it?
So, you say “Yes”.
Now, you are a diligent person and you appreciate the significance of the task you have been given. You do some research and compile a list of pertinent questions to ask the couple about their photography requirements. Unfortunately, they aren’t sure what they would like, “but we don’t want you snapping all day…” of course not. “We want you to have fun, relax and enjoy yourself too!” and they really mean it – at least they do at the point when they say it – but all of this will likely change after the wedding is over and they see your results.
You don’t know it yet, but you’ve just been placed in the definitive no-win situation. You’re not the only one either; this story of poor etiquette happens all the time.
Poor etiquette? Why? Let’s just put this on the record: A person cannot be the photographer AND a guest at a friends wedding without something being compromised. Most of the time, that compromise will reveal itself in the results of the photography. Wedding photography is much more than just being able to take pretty pictures; it is extremely stressful work and requires an incredible amount of patience, timing, creativity and many other skills that can only be acquired over several years of experience. That is why seasoned wedding photographers can command the sums that they charge. They are paid to capture the important moments of the day, because once the moment has gone, it’s gone forever.
Your friends have placed an incredible burden on your shoulders. Not only have they failed to recognise just how difficult your task as photographer is, but they also want you to join in the festivities as a guest! In creating this hybrid role for you and being unclear about their requirements, they have left a huge grey area. Which shots should you get? Should you be eating when everyone sits down to the meal? What about after the first dance has finished, should you still be taking photographs or can you relax? The questions are endless, and not only will you suffer on the day but the end results will suffer too. I’ve seen several friendships break down because of this exact situation. In fact, just a few months ago an ex-colleague of mine, Rob, was chuffed to be asked by his friends to shoot their wedding. Everything was great up until they received the images – which they were happy with – but where was the shot of them cutting the cake? As it turned out, Rob decided to raise a glass of champagne and toast the adorable couple whilst he should have been getting the shot. Sadly, he didn’t know this beforehand. Suffice to say the couple in question are no longer on speaking terms with him.
Of course, your friends probably don’t realise the predicament they have placed you in. If they did, they wouldn’t ask, right? I’m not sure we should let them off so easily! In my opinion, the very reason that couples place this dual-position on a friend is because they are trying to sidestep answering an important but revealing question: Should they invite you to the wedding to take part in the enjoyment of the day, or should they invite you to document everyone else enjoying the day? Being the photographer means you are working, not taking part. Would you still be invited if you didn’t have that big camera? Also, people who work usually get paid; it’s a little easier for your friends to get those free wedding photos if they invite you as a guest too. In bypassing the real question and leaving things uncertain, everybody loses in this game. Your chance to enjoy the day has been spoiled by the do-i-need-to-photograph-this-or-should-i-have-a slice-of-weddding-cake mentality that will continually bug you. The couple’s chance to obtain the important wedding images has been marred by giving the task to an inexperienced enthusiast-photographer friend without a proper brief (and asking that person to be part of the day). On top of everyone not getting what they want, is it also worth risking a friendship over?
Perhaps this sounds a little unfair, but it is food for thought. If you ever find yourself in this situation, it is well worth gently nudging your friends to make a decision on what role they would like you to play in their special day. It should be explained to them that you simply cannot be both photographer and guest. They cannot have their wedding cake and eat it.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? How would it make you feel if you were just invited to a friends wedding as the photographer? I am very interested in hearing your stories, so please drop your comments below.
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A wedding without a priest? Tradition vs. Alternative unions…
This last week I photographed a gorgeous wedding (some may say it was a commitment ceremony), of which I’m very proud to say I helped considerably in its planning (I don’t just take pictures!). Over the last eight months I had worked closely with the couple in question to plan a modern wedding day which included a number of traditional features. The day was filled with love, hope, happiness and so many of the wonderful emotions that we come to expect from a wedding. What it did not include – perhaps strangely – was a priest, registrar, or indeed any kind of officiant to make the marriage legally binding.
The couple had very clear beliefs about what marriage meant to them, as well as how they wished to present their union to family & friends. The wedding took place atop Primrose Hill in London (such a beautiful view), the couple wearing their “favourite outfits”, and the invitations requested their guests do the same. The couple arrived first and helped to place the beautiful lily flower arrangements which surrounded several gingham picnic blankets and food hampers (from Fortnum & Mason, no less!). They greeted each of the guests upon arrival, and it was wonderful to photograph the anxious faces and postures, as the couple had kept a secret of the day’s events from almost everyone. The ceremony consisted of a few close members of family & friends performing readings and poetry. It culminated with an inspiring speech from the couple themselves, declaring their love for one another and naming all twenty-five of the guests as witnesses to their union. Afterwards, everyone tucked into the hampers and made merry to the sounds of a wonderful jazz quartet (who were such good sports in dragging their instruments and equipment to the top of the hill!). The day was unpretentious, beautiful and struck the right balance of sincerity & fun, just like the couple themselves. It was a joy to photograph.
After the day was over, it really got me to thinking, “What is it that makes a wedding ceremony meaningful?”. Marriage ceremonies are almost entirely based around the aspects of ritual that legally unite two people. In this case, the couple had decided to abandon the sermon of a priest (or the speech of a registrar), choosing instead to replace official, legal words with something much more personal to them. In doing so, they engaged themselves, their family & friends much more than a traditional ceremony would have – the emotions of the entire wedding party were almost palpable through my lens!
I love traditional weddings, and no matter how many I photograph, I am always in awe of the wonderful emotions that the day brings to people. Having said this, last weeks wedding made me realise the power of alternative ceremony, and that meaning isn’t found in a marriage certificate, but rather it lies in the hearts of those getting married, and the people they share their day with. It sounds like common sense to say it, but sometimes I think the message gets lost through the repetition of tradition.
What aspect of a wedding ceremony holds the most meaning for you? Perhaps the embrace after the words “You may now kiss the bride”? The grooms speech? The cutting of the cake? I’m interested to hear your thoughts and opinions, so please drop a comment below.
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